Perhaps you’re still thinking about a relationship that ended, a friendship that broke down or something that happened years ago that continues to affect you.

You might find yourself replaying conversations, wondering what you could have done differently or waiting for an explanation that never seems to come.

You know you can’t change what’s happened, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to move forward.

In my previous article, What Does Closure Really Mean?, we explored why we seek closure and whether it’s something we actually need.

But understanding closure and knowing how to find it are two different things.

So how do we begin working through experiences that still feel unfinished?

There’s no single answer, and what helps one person may not help another. However, there are ways we can begin exploring our feelings, making sense of our experiences and finding our own way forward.

1. Understand what you’re looking for

Before thinking about how to find closure, it can help to understand what closure would actually mean to you.

We sometimes say we’re looking for closure without really knowing what we’re hoping to achieve.

Perhaps you want an apology from someone who hurt you.

Maybe you want to understand why a relationship ended, or you’re struggling with something you wish you’d said or done differently.

You might even discover that what you’re really hoping for is another chance to change the outcome.

Take a little time to consider these questions:

• What is it about this experience that still troubles me?
• What am I hoping will happen?
• What do I believe would help me feel differently?
• Is what I’m hoping for within my control?

There’s no need to rush your answers.

You might discover that what you’re looking for isn’t necessarily an explanation, but acknowledgement, reassurance, understanding or an opportunity to express your feelings.

Recognising what you need can be the first step towards understanding how you might find it.

2. Give yourself space to explore your feelings

When we’ve experienced something painful, we sometimes become so focused on understanding what happened that we overlook how it made us feel.

We might spend hours questioning somebody else’s behaviour without considering the emotional impact it had on us.

Perhaps you felt rejected, betrayed, disappointed or powerless.

Maybe you’re angry about how you were treated, or you feel guilty about something you wish you’d done differently.

There might even be several conflicting feelings.

For example, you can miss someone while also feeling relieved that a relationship has ended.

You can know you’ve made the right decision and still feel sad about it.

Try asking yourself:

“When I think about what happened, what feelings come up for me?”

Rather than immediately analysing or trying to change those feelings, see whether you can simply acknowledge them.

You might find writing them down helpful, particularly if you find it difficult to identify what you’re experiencing.

And remember, recognising a feeling doesn’t mean you have to act on it.

You can acknowledge anger without confronting somebody. You can recognise sadness without allowing it to stop you enjoying other parts of your life.

Sometimes understanding our emotional response helps us begin making sense of why an experience has affected us so deeply.

3. Separate what you know from what you don’t

One of the difficulties with unresolved experiences is that our minds often try to fill in the missing information.

When we don’t understand why something happened, we may find ourselves making assumptions, imagining different explanations or questioning ourselves.

Sometimes those assumptions can become more painful than the things we actually know.

Here’s a simple exercise you might find useful.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns.

What I know

Write down the things you know to be true about the situation.

These might include what happened, what was said, how you felt and the impact it had on your life.

What I don’t know

Write down the questions you still have or the things you’ve been trying to understand.

For example:

Now look at your two lists.

Are there things you’re treating as facts that are actually assumptions?

Are there questions you may never be able to answer?

And importantly, what can you understand about your experience without needing those missing answers?

This isn’t about dismissing your questions or convincing yourself they don’t matter.

It’s about recognising the difference between what you know and what you’re still trying to make sense of.

You may find that you already understand more about your experience than you initially realised.

4. Express what was left unsaid

Sometimes what keeps an experience feeling unfinished is the sense that we never had an opportunity to express ourselves.

Perhaps there are things you wish you’d said.

Maybe you wanted somebody to understand how much they hurt you, or you never felt able to explain your side of what happened.

An unsent letter can be a useful way of exploring these feelings.

Try writing a letter you’ll never send

Find somewhere comfortable where you can spend a little time writing without interruption.

Imagine you’re writing directly to the person involved.

You might begin with:

• What I wish you understood is…
• Something I’ve never told you is…
• The way this affected me was…
• What I needed from you was…
• What I wish had happened differently is…

Allow yourself to write whatever comes to mind.

You don’t need to worry about spelling, grammar or whether the other person would agree with what you’re saying.

And you don’t need to make the letter polite or forgiving.

The purpose isn’t to create something for somebody else to read.

It’s to give yourself an opportunity to express feelings and thoughts that may have remained unspoken.

When you’ve finished, take a little time before deciding what to do with it.

You might choose to keep it, return to it another day or dispose of it.

There’s no right or wrong way to complete the exercise.

If writing brings up more emotion than feels manageable, it’s fine to stop and return to it another time, or explore those feelings with support.

5. Consider what acceptance means to you

Acceptance is often misunderstood.

It can sound as though we’re being asked to agree with what happened, excuse somebody’s behaviour or simply stop being upset.

But accepting that something happened doesn’t mean believing it was right.

It means acknowledging the reality of the experience, including the things we cannot change.

Perhaps you never received the apology you deserved.

Maybe somebody behaved in a way you still believe was unfair.

Or perhaps a situation ended despite everything you did to try to prevent it.

You don’t have to change your opinion of what happened to recognise that it cannot be undone.

And you don’t have to forgive somebody in order to move forward.

For some people, forgiveness becomes an important part of finding peace with an experience. For others, it doesn’t feel necessary or appropriate.

The same is true of reconciliation.

Rebuilding a relationship may be something you want, but it requires willingness from both people and a relationship in which rebuilding trust is possible and safe.

You can find your own way forward without forgiving somebody or allowing them back into your life.

Acceptance may simply begin with recognising what you can no longer change and considering what choices remain available to you.

6. Create a personal ritual to mark an ending

Sometimes we need more than reflection or understanding.

We might feel that we want to do something to acknowledge what’s happened.

Personal rituals can offer a meaningful way of recognising loss, expressing feelings or marking a transition in our lives.

A ritual doesn’t have to involve religious or spiritual beliefs. It can be something simple that has personal meaning to you.

For example, you might:

• Light a candle and spend a few quiet moments reflecting on what you’ve experienced.
• Visit somewhere meaningful, perhaps a place that reminds you of a person, relationship or particular time in your life.
• Write down something you’d like to release, then safely tear up the paper as a symbolic gesture.
• Plant something, representing change, growth or a new beginning.
• Create a memory box containing things you’d like to keep, without having to look at them every day.

The important thing is choosing something that feels meaningful to you.

For some people, that might involve saying goodbye.

For others, particularly following bereavement, it might be about maintaining a connection with somebody they’ve lost while learning to live with their absence.

A ritual won’t necessarily take away painful feelings or provide an immediate sense of closure.

But it may offer an opportunity to acknowledge what the experience has meant to you and recognise that life is changing.

7. Begin focusing on what you need now

When we’re caught up in something unresolved, it’s easy to spend a lot of our emotional energy looking backwards.

We might find ourselves repeatedly wondering why things happened, what we could have changed or what somebody else should have done.

Those questions can be understandable, but they don’t always help us decide what happens next.

At some point, it may be useful to begin asking a different question.

“What do I need in my life now?”

Perhaps you need more stability, connection or independence.

Maybe you’d like to rebuild your confidence, reconnect with interests you’ve neglected or create healthier relationships.

You might recognise that you need stronger boundaries, or that there are situations you no longer want to find yourself in.

Try thinking about one small change you could make that would support you in the present.

It doesn’t need to be a dramatic decision.

It might be making time for something you enjoy, reaching out to someone supportive or taking a step towards a goal you’ve been putting aside.

This isn’t about distracting yourself from your feelings or pretending the past doesn’t matter.

It’s about recognising that your life can continue developing, even while you’re still making sense of what happened.

What if you still can’t find closure?

You might try some of these suggestions and still feel that something remains unresolved.

Perhaps you continue to feel angry, you still have unanswered questions or you find yourself returning to memories you thought you’d come to terms with.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you haven’t made progress.

Some experiences take longer to process than others, particularly when they involve significant loss, betrayal or trauma.

And sometimes the idea that we should find closure creates another expectation we feel unable to meet.

You don’t have to reach a point where everything makes sense.

You don’t have to forgive somebody.

You don’t even have to stop feeling hurt about what happened.

It’s possible to continue building a meaningful and fulfilling life while still carrying feelings about experiences from your past.

If those feelings are becoming overwhelming or significantly affecting your daily life, counselling can offer a supportive space to explore them at your own pace.

A final thought

Finding closure isn’t always about getting answers, having one final conversation or reaching a moment when everything suddenly feels resolved.

Sometimes it involves understanding our feelings a little better.

Sometimes it’s recognising that we’re waiting for something another person may never be willing or able to give us.

And sometimes it’s about discovering what we need now, rather than continuing to focus entirely on what happened then.

There’s no set timescale, and there’s no single way of finding closure that works for everyone.

You may still have unanswered questions. You may still experience sadness, anger or disappointment. And you may never feel that everything has been completely resolved.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t move forward.

You don’t have to change the past to begin creating a different future.

If you’d like to explore why we seek closure in the first place, read my companion article, What Does Closure Really Mean?

The post How to Find Closure and Move Forward appeared first on Friendly Therapist | Guiding Your Self-Help Journey.

Perhaps a relationship ended unexpectedly, a friendship broke down, or something happened that left you feeling hurt, confused or disappointed.

You might find yourself replaying conversations, looking for answers or wishing you’d had the opportunity to say something you never got to say.

Even though the experience may be in the past, emotionally, it can feel as though something is still unfinished.

This is often what we mean when we talk about needing closure.

But what exactly is closure? Why do we look for it? And do we really need it to move forward with our lives?

What is closure?

Closure is generally understood as a sense of emotional resolution following a difficult, painful or significant experience.

It’s that feeling of having come to terms with something, even if it didn’t happen the way we’d hoped.

For some people, closure might come from finally understanding why something happened. For others, it could be receiving an apology, having an honest conversation or being able to express feelings they’ve been holding onto.

But closure isn’t limited to relationships.

We might seek closure following bereavement, the loss of a job, a difficult childhood experience or even the disappointment of a personal goal that never became reality.

And what closure looks like can be very different for each of us.

Something that brings one person a sense of peace might leave somebody else with even more questions.

Why do we seek closure?

As human beings, we naturally try to make sense of our experiences.

When something happens that we don’t understand, particularly when it causes us emotional pain, we often look for explanations.

We want to know why things happened, whether we could have done something differently and what it all means.

When we can’t find those answers, we may find ourselves returning to the same questions.

Why did they treat me that way?

Was there something I could have done?

Why wasn’t I good enough?

What if things had been different?

We might replay conversations, analyse somebody’s behaviour or imagine alternative outcomes.

Sometimes we’re not just trying to understand what happened. We’re trying to make sense of how it has affected us.

For example, when a relationship ends, we might not only grieve the loss of that person. We may also grieve the future we’d imagined together.

Losing a job could mean much more than losing an income. It might affect our confidence, identity or sense of purpose.

Sometimes what we’re struggling with isn’t simply what we’ve lost, but everything that loss represented to us.

And understanding that can help us recognise why some experiences are particularly difficult to come to terms with.

Why can closure be so difficult to find?

One of the difficulties with closure is that we often imagine it will come from something specific.

Perhaps we’re waiting for an explanation, an apology or an acknowledgement that somebody hurt us.

We might believe that if we could just have one final conversation, everything would finally make sense.

But what happens if that conversation never takes place?

Or if it does, but we don’t hear what we’d hoped for?

Sometimes the answers we receive don’t bring the relief we expected. They might leave us feeling disappointed, raise further questions or even cause additional hurt.

And sometimes there simply isn’t an explanation that will make what happened feel acceptable.

This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with wanting answers. Understanding an experience can be genuinely helpful.

But getting answers and finding emotional resolution aren’t necessarily the same thing.

We can understand why something happened and still feel deeply hurt by it.

Equally, we can begin coming to terms with an experience without ever fully understanding why it happened.

Are we really looking for closure, or something else?

This is something I think is particularly interesting.

When we say we need closure, what are we actually hoping to receive?

Perhaps we want somebody to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused us.

Maybe we want reassurance that we mattered to them.

We might be hoping for an apology, an explanation or an opportunity to put things right.

And sometimes, particularly after the end of a relationship, what we’re really hoping for is that the relationship isn’t over at all.

There can be a big difference between wanting to understand why something ended and wanting another opportunity to make it work.

Neither makes our feelings any less valid.

But recognising what we’re actually hoping for can help us understand why closure sometimes feels out of reach.

After all, if what we’re really longing for is reconciliation, an explanation alone might never feel enough.

Closure, acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation

These four ideas are often spoken about together, but they aren’t the same thing.

Acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of what has happened, even when we wish things had been different.

It doesn’t mean agreeing with what happened or believing it was acceptable. It means recognising that we cannot change the fact that it happened.

Forgiveness is a separate and deeply personal process. For some people, forgiving somebody helps them release feelings they’ve been carrying. Others may not want to forgive, particularly when they’ve experienced significant harm.

Forgiveness isn’t an obligation, and it isn’t a requirement for finding closure.

Reconciliation involves rebuilding a relationship or connection. This may be possible when both people are willing to address what happened and work towards rebuilding trust.

But reconciliation isn’t always possible, appropriate or safe.

And closure is about finding some sense of resolution within our own experience.

These things can sometimes happen together, but they don’t have to.

You can accept that something happened without forgiving the person responsible.

You can forgive somebody without wanting them back in your life.

And you can find a sense of closure without reconciliation ever taking place.

Does finding closure mean we won’t feel hurt anymore?

Not necessarily.

We sometimes imagine closure as a moment when everything finally falls into place.

We understand what happened, we accept it, and the emotional pain disappears.

But our feelings rarely work quite so neatly.

We might genuinely feel we’ve come to terms with something, only for a memory, an anniversary or an unexpected reminder to bring those feelings back.

Does that mean we haven’t found closure?

I don’t think it necessarily does.

Our experiences become part of our personal history, and some will always carry emotional significance.

We can feel sadness about something that happened years ago without spending our lives consumed by it.

We can remember somebody we’ve lost and still miss them, even though we’ve found ways to live with their absence.

And we can recognise that an experience hurt us without allowing it to determine everything that happens next.

Feeling something about the past doesn’t necessarily mean we’re still stuck in it.

Do we actually need closure?

We often talk about closure as though it’s something we must achieve before we can move forward.

But is that really the case?

Some people experience a genuine sense of resolution through understanding what happened, receiving an apology or having an opportunity to say goodbye.

For others, that sense of resolution may never fully arrive.

And perhaps that’s worth thinking about.

Not every experience has a clear ending. Not every question can be answered. And not every loss is something we can neatly put behind us.

Sometimes we may need to learn to live with a degree of uncertainty, sadness or regret.

That doesn’t mean we can’t continue to enjoy life, form meaningful relationships or create new experiences.

It also doesn’t mean we should ignore unresolved feelings or pretend something hasn’t affected us.

We can acknowledge our experiences, recognise their impact and allow ourselves to move forward, even when some things remain unfinished.

Perhaps rather than asking whether we’ve found closure, it can sometimes be more helpful to consider how much influence an experience still has over our lives.

A final thought

Closure means different things to different people.

For some, it’s about understanding. For others, it’s about acceptance, forgiveness or having the opportunity to express something that was left unsaid.

And sometimes, closure might not be what we need at all.

We don’t always get the explanations we’d hoped for. We can’t change what happened, and we can’t control whether somebody else acknowledges the pain they’ve caused.

But that doesn’t mean our future has to remain tied to the past.

Perhaps closure isn’t always about finding an ending. Sometimes it’s about finding a way to live with an experience that doesn’t have one.

And perhaps moving forward doesn’t have to mean that everything has been resolved.

It might simply mean recognising what’s happened, understanding how it’s affected us and gradually finding our own way forward.

Even when some questions remain unanswered.

Want to explore this further?

In my next article, How to Find Closure and Move Forward, we’ll look at practical ways of exploring unresolved feelings, understanding what we’re holding onto and finding our own sense of resolution.

The post What Does Closure Really Mean? appeared first on Friendly Therapist | Guiding Your Self-Help Journey.

Counselling is a great tool to use for developing your self-awareness, but here are some pointers to get you started.  

Understanding why and how you react to triggering events.  

How do you react to things that trigger you?  

Like, going into a shop that is packed full of people, or feeling like someone if watching you in a public space.  

Do you feel anxious? Judged? Scared?  

Do you think your thoughts and feelings are realistic, or do you ‘know’ that logically you don’t need to feel that way but you still do?  

These are signs of a lack of self-awareness, which is when you don’t understand why you feel the way that you do. You can combat this by thinking about the reasons why you are triggered by certain events and by exploring any feelings that come up for you.  

Feeling like you are lost or don’t know who you are. 

There are so many labels out there that it can be hard to know where we fit in.  

Am I a housewife, mum, worker, unemployed, a mess, successful, hopeless?  

Am I funny, grumpy, angry, happy?  

How do people see me? How do I see me and who do I want to be? 

A lack of self-identity can send you down so many wrong paths in life. And yet finding out who you want to be can be hard to work out. Have a think about what you like wearing, what name you like to use, what activities give you joy and what interests you.  

You don’t understand what you are feeling? 

Do you get angry or upset but you don’t know why?  

Have you ever been angry about a trivial thing and then realised later on that your anger was excessive?  

Do you struggle to explain why you are upset and sad? 

A lot of people are like this at times, including myself, and it’s linked to our own level of self-awareness.  

It’s good to sometimes sit with your feelings, when safe to do so, and try and listen to your mind.  

Are you thinking angry thoughts? Are you hating on yourself?  

Are you feeling loved or alone in this moment?  

The more understanding you gain will grow your self-awareness and in turn, your understanding of your emotions. You can read more about understanding you feelings in my blog post here.

It’s important to know that no matter what level our self-awareness is at, we all have the ability to grow. It can be hard to have honest conversations with yourself at times so if you are on a journey of self-development, please remember to be kind to yourselves and seek support when you feel you need it.  

The post How to Increase Your Self-Awareness – Part 1 appeared first on Friendly Therapist | Guiding Your Self-Help Journey.

• Strong feelings of being worthless. 

• Feeling hopeless and like no one can help.  

• Angry about anything and/or everything. 

• Lack of energy to do anything. 

• A big change in your weight because of your appetite. 

• Abusing yourself. 

• Struggle to concentrate, make decisions, or remember things. 

• No interest in life because there’s no joy or pleasure anymore.  

• Can’t sleep or sleeping too much. 

How to get help if you’re feeling depressed 

It really can feel so lonely and hopeless when you are depressed but there are some things you can do to help yourself. 

• Reach out to trusted friends and family. 

• Exercise and eat healthily.  

• Meditate 

• Get closer to nature, go for walks and be close to the water. 

• Speak to your doctor.  

• Get in touch with a counsellor – I can help you to understand where your feelings stem from and we can work through them so that they don’t hold you back any more. It’s a scary step to take, but it’s a step in the right direction that will help you take control of your depression in a healthy way. Honestly, please feel free to drop me an email or call me if you want to find out more. 

If you are feeling suicidal and need immediate support, please contact the Samaritans anytime on 116 123.  

The post How do you know if you are depressed or just feeling low?   appeared first on Friendly Therapist | Guiding Your Self-Help Journey.

What is it?

It is a visual guide which helps to show how emotions are linked to each other and how they can lead onto others. For example, you are feeling scared of a particular situation because it is making you feel worried and anxious. Processing what your worries are will help to relieve the fear you have.

How does it work?

The first step with using the Wheel of Emotions is to identify the emotion closest to how you are feeling. The emotions vary with intensity starting with the centre ones being the most extreme going outwards to the mildest forms.

When you have identified an emotion, you can try to work out what’s triggering it. Sometimes this is quite obvious but other times it can be very complicated. You may notice that some emotions you identify can lead on to other emotions. For example, you could feel supported by a close friend which makes you feel relieved and peaceful, however this also triggers a trust issue making you feel on edge and nervous.

Once you begin to identify your emotions and triggers, you can use this awareness to help you find ways to cope and work through them.

The post How to Understand Your Feelings? appeared first on Friendly Therapist | Guiding Your Self-Help Journey.